cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the day after is always just damage control
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
