I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Holy shit dude........stairs
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
