i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize