he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
