enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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