why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize