how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
