um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize