You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
