I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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