Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
