Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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