omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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