I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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