I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
