This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
