haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
