I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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