I wish I could punch you in the face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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