This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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