FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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