Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
either way he was missing a nipple.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
