Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
