So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize