I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
