Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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