haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
