I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
