if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize