dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
