Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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