PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
