I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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