we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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