Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
