First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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