You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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