you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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