He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize