i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
