It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
