It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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