i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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