I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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