mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize