when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
