I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
