I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
