Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
