the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
