Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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