he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Thank you for not boning my boss.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
