it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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