just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
