You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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