You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
