I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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