help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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