I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just want to make out with him forever
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
