if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
