I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
