i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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