woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize