I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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