that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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